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Shouldn’t The “Me” In Environment Be “We”?

When I think environment, I think Smokey Bear. Smokey was created in 1944 by the Ad Council and has been part of the longest running public service campaign in U.S. history. In 1952, however, song writers Steve Nelson and Jack Rollins tried to change Smokey’s name. When they wrote their hit “Smokey The Bear”, they gave Smokey “The” for a middle name to improve the rhythm of their song. Obviously, they couldn’t deal with the bear facts.

Americans can’t deal with plastic bags. Plastic bags are everywhere - blowing in the wind, stuck in bushes, clogging roadside drains and filling bellies of sea turtles. Because these bags are cheap, sturdy and easy to store, they have taken over 80% of the grocery and convenience store market since being introduced in the 1970’s. Between 500 billion and a trillion bags are used worldwide every year. The bags that make it to landfills take hundreds of years to decompose; and as they decompose, toxins seep into the soils, lakes, rivers and oceans. Countries like Australia, South Africa and Ireland have taxed these bags. In fact, the tax in Ireland has caused a 95% reduction in the use of plastic bags. Is it just me or does a tax make good cents?

Plastic bottles are everywhere too - in parks, along roadsides and filling landfills - but that isn’t the worst part. Ninety percent of environmental damage from plastic water bottles occurs before they are opened. This is because those bottles leave a carbon footprint big enough to trip over. Twenty-nine billion plastic water bottles are used yearly in the U.S. Making those bottles requires nearly 900,000 tons of plastic, which is the equivalent of more than 17 million barrels of crude oil. Pumping, processing, transporting and refrigerating the water increase the amount of oil used to 50 million barrels. That’s enough to run 3 million cars for a year. While we’re drinking water for our health, we’re killing the environment by ignoring facts that hold water.

Unfortunately, other environmental threats aren’t as obvious as plastic pollution. Nitrogen trifluoride is used to make flat screen televisions and microchips. Scientists say this gas has 17,000 times the global warming effect as carbon dioxide. Nitrogen trifluoride isn’t measured in the atmosphere and it isn’t regulated by international treaty. Nitrogen trifluoride is one of the unseen threats to our environment. What we need to see is change.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
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What Does Your Name Say About You?

A name is the first gift you give your child. You want it to be special - to be as unique as your newborn. Gwyneth Paltrow chose Apple for her daughter. Demi Moore picked Scout for hers. Forest Whitaker selected True. These are definitely unique, but are they too unique?

How could someone “titled” Knight say any name was too unique. Knight was my mother’s maiden name; and I’m sure Gwyneth, Demi and Forest had reasons just as meaningful for their choices.

As a child, the good news about having a unique “verbal identification” is you’re the only one in your class. The bad news is you’re the only one in your class. When I did something “inappropriate”, I was never confused with the Anns, the Marys or the Susans. Of course, George Foreman’s sons were confused at shcool and at home. They’re all Georges.

Eventually, most of us get a handle on our “handles”; but for some it’s harder. While Frank Sinatra, Jr. was trying to fit into his, people were expecting him to fit into his father’s shoes too.

Some people never grow into their “labels of love”. Archibald Leach changed his to Cary Grant, Marion Morrison chose to be John Wayne and Norma Baker became Marily Monroe.

When I had children, I “gifted” our first son Lincoln, after my father; but before he was out of diapers he became Link. Because I didn’t want our second son nicknamed, he’s Adam. Why Not? It worked for God.

Although “male monikers” go through cycles of popularity, Jacob, Michael and Joshua usually top the most popular list. For girls Emily tops the list, but who would have guessed that Madison was the third most popular girl’s name in 2005. Now Ethel, Ruth, Edgar and Randolph - the names of our parents and grandparents - have become unusual.

Today some names are unusual for unusual reasons. They’re invented or have unusual spellings and pronunciations - as if teachers weren’t stressed enough.

If what one was called influenced one’s choice of profession, I think Andrew would be in the arts, Katherine would be a business woman and Gus would play football. Ida - Ida know. However, some people are known as their profession - like me - like Mom.

Nevertheless, no matter how careful you are, there’s always someone who wanted a namesake - but not in the Jewish faith. Jewish children are not named after living people - how clever is that! No complaints!

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
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Who Put The OK In Cook?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, cooking is preparing food by boiling, baking, frying, etc. My family thinks etc. best describes mine. Okay, but I’ve come along way from using raw potatoes in curried potato salad to recreating dishes from “Gourmet Magazine”. Because I was kitchen-challenged before I was married, my mother-in-law immediately sent me “Fanny Farmr’s Cookbook”. I was put off by the name until my mother’s contribution to her new son-in-law’s survival arrived. For me “The Joy of Cooking” was a major misnomer. However, the more I cooked, the easier it was and the easier it was to eat what I cooked.

Food preparation isn’t science. It’s interpretive art. Soups and sauces became my culinary crafts because they were the best vehicles for “creativity” - a euphemism for wiggle room. Some say the secret of good food is fresh ingredients. Others say it’s training or imagination. I know the secret isn’t recipes because I stopped using them when they were too splattered to read. I use a little bit of this (if I have it), a little bit of that (if it isn’t moldy) and as much luck as possible.

At first giving dinner parties seemed like command performances. Then I realized guests are predisposed to enjoy anything they didn’t have to prepare or pay for. When I started cooking for our first son, there were feweer dinner parties. When we had two sons, there was more defrosting. As the boys grew, my attention was focused on toilet training and talking, then on homework and sports and finally on whether anyone was going to be home to eat whatever I put on the table.

This is when I learned to change the name of a dish to protect the innocent. If a bit of egg yolk got into what was meant to be a souffle, I said it was a frittata. When one son complained about having a bay leaf in his soup, I said it was good luck. When I tried something new, I said it tasted like…chicken. I also learned not to serve leftovers. If my family had like the dish the first time, they would have finished it. Because I didn’t want to waste food, I disguised leftovers. Meat loaf became sloppy joes. Macaroni and cheese was stuffed into peppers and topped with leftover spaghetti sauce. Salad went into soups, pita pockets and pets’ cages.

Although I knew the way to my mens’ hearts was through their stomachs, what I made for them changed as I learned it also went through their arteries. Less fat, less taste, more spices. If nothing else, my cooking has become food for thought.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
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Do You Look Good In Pink?

Because I had a business meeting today, I gave extra thought to what I wore - something conservative, but not dull - something stylish, but not extreme. After choosing a two-piece outfit with a mid-length, slightly ruffled skirt, I looked in the mirror.

“Okay”, I said to the doubting voice in my head, “I’m not the “i” in fashion; but there’s no “u” in fashion at all”. “The classic look is always in”, I told the voice. “You’re not out enough”, it replied.

Well, I’m out enough to know that hats aren’t in. They stopped being in style when women couldn’t afford both hat hair and hair stylists. Gloves haven’t been in for decades - unless you’re a food handler.

Shoes, on the other hand - or foot - continue to be fashion statements; but I don’t know how curved toes fit into pointed shoes. It’s like trying to put round pegs in square holes. Putting feet into boots with four-inch heels would prevent Nancy Sinatra from singing about boots made for walking.

The number of inches above or below the knees, however,no longer determines whether skirts are in style. Hemlines go up and down. Necklines just go down. They go down so far they should be called cleavage lines.

Just because something’s in doesn’t mean it looks good on. The tent and sack dresses were perfect examples - no matter what color.

And have you noticed the colors for one season always clash with the colors for next season? This isn’t coincidence. It’s planned obsolescence.Orange was in this year, but orange you glad the only people still wearing it are highway cleaning crews?

Whether it’s cleaning crews or men in general, they’re much less fashion conscious then women. Men wear holes in their jeans. Women pay to have holes put in theirs. A man dresses for comfort - but not boys.

What boy could be comfortable in pants that hang below his hips? Instead of using mirrors, boys mirror what rappers wear. I don’t understand the style unless we’re raising a generation of plumber wannabes.

As for girls, they’ll wear anything Brittany Spears wears. Thankfully, only Jack Nicholson went for the shaved head look.

I went for the black look. Everything in my closet is conveniently, mix and matchably black. If there were as much black in the National budget, we’d all be in the pink.

Pink may be next season’s color. “You don’t look good in pink”, says the voice.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com

Women, Would You Like To Be A Man For A Day?

Would I like to be a man for a day? Sure. I’d like to walk a mile in my husband’s Nikes. It would help me understand the male species. However…if I got lost while walking the mile, I’d ask directions.

Men are physically stronger, faster and have less body fat; but what I envy most is their clothes. I would love to be able to wear a different shirt and have the result be considered a different outfit.

Males don’t appreciate the advantages they have. For example, they don’t appreciate shaving - but they should. It removes the top layer of facial skin before it turns to wrinkles. Women pay big bucks for laser treatments or chemicals peels to get the same result.

Men don’t have to fight for equal pay with women. Unfortunately, women in their struggle to get through the glass ceiling (as well as sweep up the broken glass) have managed to gain equal rights to stress-related heart disease.

There’s an equal rights bumper sticker that reads, “A woman’s place in the house..and the senate”. Right on! Life has qualified us for those positions. Everyday we solve problems regarding health, transportation, education and more - and all within budget!

Several years ago the men in my family gave me a license plate frame that read, “The best man for the job is a woman”. I thought it was an amusingly stimulating thought - until one day when I was getting into my car in the library parking lot.

A man passing by read the license plate frame and started yelling obscenities at me. When I drove out of the parking lot, he followed me in his car for several blocks, yelling obscenities out his car window.

Because I had seen this man carrying library books, I assumed he could read; and if he could read, I assumed he was educated. Obviously, not educated enough.

It’s no longer a man’s world. Stewardesses are now flight attendants. Actresses are referred to as actors. Soon a mentor will be called a peopletor.

If a man continues to expect his home to be his castle, he should expect the Tidy Bowl man to be sailing his little boat in the king’s throne. If a man thinks his dog is his best friend, his dog must cook, clean and like to watch football.

Although I like new experiences and challenges, I’m sure one day as a man would be enough for me. After all, it didnt take God that long to decide to improve his work by making woman.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
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The Effects Of Funny Things

This article looks at the wonderful effects of laughter & really funny things.

Are you feeling run down? You could try laughing more! Some researchers think laughter could be the best medicine, helping you feel better and bringing that spring back into your step.

It makes sense that if people can get more laughter in their lives, they are happier and healthier too.
Laughter is a wonderful thing - that’s why we have all heard the saying “laughter is the best medicine”. There is strong evidence that laughter can actually improve health and help fight disease.

Test the theory and see for yourself!

First id like you to think of some really funny things, situations you have been in or pictures you have seen, as long as it’s really funny!
Now I want you to smile, come on! Let the corners of your mouth turn up. Giggle, chortle, chuckle. And slowly build up into a loud laugh.

How do you feel now? Refreshed? Exhilarated? According to recent studies done by neuroscientists and psychologists, as well as the newest fads in holistic medicine, laughter is the greatest panacea yet discovered.
It has been credited with everything from lowering blood pressure and reducing chances of heart attacks and strokes to increasing your intelligence and capabilities to retain process information.

Humour and laughter are regularly being used in a variety of therapeutic situations.

Research into the use of therapeutic humour tells us it has the power to motivate, alleviate stress and pain and improve one’s sense of well being.

When really funny things make us laugh, natural killer cells which destroy tumours and viruses increase, along with Gamma-interferon (a disease fighting protein), T- cells (important for the immune system) and B - cells (which make disease -fighting antibodies).
As well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which also encourages healing.

What is laughter?
Believe it of not laughter is not the same as humour. It is the physiological response to humour and is made of two parts - the production of a sound and a set of gestures.
Laughing causes our brain to conduct both the production of a sound and a set of gestures simultaneously.

Why do we laugh?
Some researchers believe that strengthening human connections is related to why we laugh because laughter occurs more often when people are comfortable around one another.
Have you noticed in an office everyone in the office laughs when the boss laughs? This is because dominant people use laughter more often than their subordinates.
Laughing and Humour is like a medicine and a very powerful one.
It can bring together families in troubled times, reduce anger and frustration and lower your stress levels.
If you can laugh at yourself or a situation you are in that seem overwhelming it will help to diffuse the stress.

Laughter and really funny things serve a great purpose in our life not only from a medical point of view we discussed earlier but it will make you feel better about yourself and the world around you. It will make a bad situation seem a little less daunting.

A hearty laugh a day may well keep the doctor away, so keep looking at really funny things!

Vicki Churchill is the owner of
really funny things, a site that specializes in funny things and information on how really funny things are good for your health.

Just A Bus Trip Or A Daytime Nightmare?

I found myself having to catch a bus last week, the second week of the children’s school summer holiday. I was instructed to take my son to his Grandma’s house and with my wife having the car it left me with no choice but to do something that I hadn’t done for over twenty years - take the bus.

The 188 from Weymouth to Poole. I was to get on from the stop at the end of my road which wasn’t too far away from the town but a little too far to walk.

My son and I reached the stop ten minutes before aforementioned bus was due. Forty minutes later it still hadn’t turned up so I got on the number 92 which stated, Poole. On we jumped - I asked if he went all the way to Poole. No, he said, I don’t. Well it says “Poole” on the destination board, I stated. It says India on the tyres, he replied, but I’m buggered if I’m going there (Okay, the old ones are the best) - yes, of course I’m going to Poole.

Mobile Disco - Quick Before They Lock Us In

I was roadie for Martyn Brown on one of his mobile disco shows last week. As you may know, one of Martyn’s home businesses is running a mobile disco agency where he is self employed as a disc jockey.

I don’t normally roadie for him but his usual guy couldn’t make the venue so he asked me. I always like a laugh so decided to go along, after all he was paying me

Galloping Gooseberry - A Real Life Experience

Summertime was always so much fun! Away from homework and Ms.Kamala’s piercing gaze (that is my class teacher). I sometimes used to spend the vacation at my grandpa’s place. He had a lovely sprawling farmhouse with lush green meadows, chirpy birds, wild flowers and mooing cows.

A tomboy to the core, I was then in my third standard, and like every other kid, loved to get a wee bit adventurous. The previous day I had gone to this movie, which was all about an Arizona ranch and sturdy cowboys!

When I was strolling around the farmhouse, I was stopped short by a fat, short and absolutely adorable cow, who had decided that my mushroom cut was ‘grazing material’. I pushed her away gently, when a crazy thought entered my head. Ever since I saw the cowboys in the movie galloping smartly across the screen, I had wanted to ride a horse but then no horses were around, so I decided to be the ‘cowgirl’ literally.

I led the unsuspecting cow, to a big block of stone, As she stood there gazing quizzically at me with her melting brown eyes, I stood on the stone block and swung myself over her plump frame. I flung my head back, yelled out a loud ‘whoopee’ and slapped her tummy. I vividly remember what happened next!
The cow ran as if all hell had broken loose. She was very frightened and very mad. I hung on as she ran berserk all over the meadow. Inspite of both my hands curled around the neck and my legs over her, I still could not be seated on her. My torso was hanging by her plump tummy, with my head too dangerously close to the ground, which was a blurry brown. She was running fast but finally stopped after one full kilometer circle around the grounds. I could not hang on any longer and let go, falling down with a thud.

I got up gingerly, feeling for any broken bones, When I looked back at the bewildered cow I saw a pair of angry eyes, heard a snort and in no time she was charging towards me. Apparently she had not enjoyed the ride as much as I did. I ran for dear life, rushing inside the house and slamming the door shut behind me, never once looking back.

From then on whenever she saw me outside the house, she would put her head down and charge. Of course all of my family (especially my brother) found the whole scene amusing. Little did they know what had transpired between us!

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Fun Free Games

Having a party? Or a get together with some friends? Trying to think of things to do for a childrens party? Then get the party going and people interacting by introducing some fun free games.

Everyone likes to play games from children to adults and you do n have to hurt your wallet organising a fun day or evening of entertainment. Some of the most enjoyable activities are simple free games like charades and Limbo.

Other free games for children’s parties are: Simon Says A simple game where one player plays ‘Simon’ and gives the other players various instructions to do simple tasks prefixed by the phrase ‘ Simon Says’ He then tries to catch the players out by giving them an instruction without saying Simon says beforehand. If a player follows that particular instruction then he is out. The winner is the last person to be left.

Musical Chairs The players sit on chairs in a ring facing outwards. There should be at least one less chair than there are players. When the music starts the players should start to walk around the circle. When the music stops the players rush to find a free chair to sit on. The person left standing is out and one chair is then removed and the game continues until only one chair is left. Whoever gets to sit on this chair when the music stops is the winner.

Statues Statues is another simple game. The children have to dance when the music is played and then when it stops they must become as still as statues. Whoever moves until the music starts again is out. The winner is the last player left standing.

Spoon Relay Some free games are best played in the garden because of the mess the game will make and will also require a good deal of space. When playing spoon relay divide the children into two equal teams. Set up a chair with a bowl of water and a spoon on it for each team. Then a few feet or more away set up two more chairs both with a glass on each. When the whistle blows both sets of teams race to fill the empty glass’s up using the spoons. Players take it in turns until one team wins.

Fun Free Games for Adults

The Mating Game This is a fun and good icebreaker for teens and adults. The game is best played with a good spread of both sexes. Divide the group up into two even groups and hand out slips of paper with animal names written on them. There should be two pieces of paper with the same animal name written on both and one piece should be given to a member of each group. The animals can be whatever you choose snakes, horses, flies, kangaroo, salmon etc. When the game begins people start to act out their animal by flapping, jumping etc and starts searching for their respective animal partner form the other group. Talking is strictly forbidden! The object of the game is to find your animal mate. Once you think you have identified your mate go to the referee who inspects yours pieces of paper. If its not correct, off you go back into the wild to find your real partner.

Spin the Bottle A classic and very simple game for the more adventurous parties. A good mix of males and females are required A group of players sit around in a circle and the game starts by one person spinning the bottle. Wherever the top of the bottle ends up facing indicates the person who gets kissed. Whoever spun the bottle is the kisser. If the bottle ends up facing someone of the same sex the player can spin the bottle again.

There are thousands of fun free games to suit all parties and it is important to remember we play games for fun

Vicki Churchill is the owner of http://www.reallyfunnythings.com, a site that specializes in funny things and information on how really funny things are good for your health.

A Concise History Of Cartoons And Funny Pictures

We all like to laugh and a smile and there is no quicker way to evoke joy than looking at cartoons and humorous pictures.

For as long as man has been able to paint and draw, funny pictures and cartoons have been depicted on caves walls, canvas, paper, floors, ceilings and even skin!

Many award-winning artists have drawn and painted comical and funny pictures not to mention such legendary historical figures as Raphael and Leonardo De Vinci whose comical works are highly regarded.

In the 15th-century the printing press was popularised by Johann Gutenberg and later this invention gave rise to the ability to replicate satirical images for widespread distribution to the masses. In the 16th-century humorous cartoon strips gave politicians the ability to reach illiterate people to further their cause and win precious votes. They were also a powerful tool of propaganda and party policy.

Contrary to the famous Queen Victoria saying, “We are not amused” the Victorians were actually very easily titillated and throughout the 19th-century funny pictures were depicted on Victorian postcards in various formats from slapstick scenes to the more risque and innuendo orientated themes

In the 1890’s the invention of Thomas Edison’s Kinetoscope heralded the age of animation screening rudimentary projection technology. Many people of the time saw the enormous potential this novel invention would provide.

The name Disney is synonymous with animation and in 1928 we saw the birth of Mickey Mouse who is still today one of the most iconic and recognised symbols in the world. In the 1950’s the United States also saw another company emerge, Hanna-Barbera Productions which went on to produce many classic cartoons, Scooby Doo, The Flintstones and The Yogi Bear show to name just a few.

Technology has come a long way and from early cartoons in comics and funny pictures on postcards and newspapers we are now treated to high spec digital animation with films like Toy Story and Finding Nemo.

Probably the reason cartoons and animation will never die is because our imaginations are the only limits for this media with the scope for ideas and possibilities beyond the constraints of real life being truly endless.

It is always nice to receive a funny picture by email so if you do ever receive on always send it on, you may put a smile on someones face or brighten their day! You could even try and create your own funny pictures.

Vicki Churchill is the owner of http://www.reallyfunnythings.com, a site that specializes in funny things and information on how really funny things are good for your health.

Brighten Your Day and Enlighten Your Life

George Bernard Shaw once said that if you find something funny search it for hidden truth. Here are few pearls of wisdom packaged in humour. Enjoy.

1. You wouldn’t worry what people thought about you if you only knew how seldom they did.

2. To expect life to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you’re a vegetarian.

3 .Worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do, but won’t get you anywhere.

4. Pain and suffering are a lot like gas….they too shall pass.

5. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to be paid back.

6. Anyone who says that swimming is good for the figure has never taken a real good look at a whale.

7. A bore is always “ME” deep in conversation.

8. Some people think their lives are full, when really they’re just cluttered.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, try not to be amazed.

10. A leader without a sense of humour is like a grass cutter at a cemetery. You have a lot of people under you paying absolutely no attention.

Live Better….Laugh More

Mike Moore is an international speaker on the role of humor in human relations. Mike’s articles and cartoons have appeared in publications throughout the world. For more on what Mike can do for your organization visit
http://motivationalplus.com/cgi/a/t.cgi?motplusarticles

It’s official. They are not together!

Star couple and picture perfect pair Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston did a formal announcement of their break-up through the office of Aniston’s publicist, Stephen Huvane. This announcement came after tabloid stories said that the couple’s marriage was indeed on the rocks.

The announcement mentioned that the reasons for the couple’s split are difficult schedules and disagreement on whether or not to have children. Both stars have been busy with movie schedules and TV programs.

Divorce came months later. Jennifer cited irreconcilable differences in the dissolution papers. They were filed with a Los Angeles court by the couple. The court documents said that Jennifer Aniston’s maiden name was asked to be restored.

Blaming her unhappy childhood for the problems in her own marriage to Pitt, Aniston also admitted that her negative attitude played a role in the breakdown of their marriage.

Jennifer’s parents had a difficult marriage which ended in divorce. Jennifer’s announcement came as no surprise since right from the start she said that she often fear, mistrust, doubt and insecurities. She added that it’s impossible to delude oneself about fairytale romance and happy endings.

Jennifer was recently caught on pictures by paparazzi not wearing her wedding ring. This lead to a wild tabloid speculation of marital problems. So the announcement did not really come as a surprise to Hollywood insiders. Moreso, this announcement only confirmed what everyone had discreetly known but never confirmed.

Pitt has also been caught playing around with his Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-star, Angelina Jolie. They have been romantically linked for several months

Brad, 41 and Jennifer, 35 began dating in 1998. Their formal announcement of a hook-up became a frenzy for paparazzi who wanted every second of their relationship documented on the tabloids.

The wedding announcement came a couple of years later. Brad and Jennifer were married in July 2000 in a grand ceremony in Malibu, California.

From the beginning, Brad and Jennifer’s marriage was a fairy tale come true. Their wedding on July 29, 2000 included a canopy filled with the most amazing flowers. It was held at a Malibu mansion.

During the ceremony, Jennifer made an announcement to make Brad’s favorite banana split and Brad promised to find a balance on the thermostat.

Brad and Jennifer’s wedding was attended by 200 guests. They had over 50,000 flowers, a gospel choir, four bands and fireworks to top it all off. They served lobster and champagne at the reception.

Brad made an announcement that he himself personally designed the wedding rings. They were watching white gold bands with small diamond.

Jennifer was extraordinarily radiant at her wedding. Her wedding dress was designed by Lawrence Steele. It was a full-length white silk tulle halter dress studded with tiny pearls.

Her sandals were by Manolo Blahnik. The were ivory suede with tiny ankle straps and double bows.

Brad was equally striking. His dinner jacket was designed by Hedi Slimane. Brad wore a straight tie.

The marriage was the first for the couple. Although Brad had already made a previous announcement of an engagement to Gwyneth Paltrow for about six months and then they part ways.

Wedding guests included Jennifer’s friends from “Friends”, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer. Other Hollywood stars who graced their wedding were Cameron Diaz, Melissa Etheridge, Edward Norton, and Salma Hayek.

Aniston is famous as Rachel Greene. She is one of the six stars of the comedy “Friends.”Pitt has appeared in a lot of blockbusters including “Fight Club,” “Interview with the Vampire,” “Seven,” “Ocean’s Eleven” and “A River Runs Through It.” and “Ocean’s Twelve.”

James Monahan is the owner and Senior Editor of

Dice Sports Games That Are Fun; the Pro Football Game.

This is the next installment in a world of incredibly fun sports games played with dice. In the first installment I taught you how to play the college version of “Dice Football”. That was the simplest of all my dice sports games. Now it is time to start getting a little more complex. As, in all my dice football games you will need two dice, notebook paper and a pen or pencil.

You will recall that in the college version you got your box score set up so that you can begin the game and just take turns for four quarters. In the pro version the top team is always the home team and they always go first in the first and third quarters only. In the second and fourth quarters the visitor team goes first which allows the home team the advantage of “coming back” to win.

Both teams will only get three rolls of the two dice per quarter-instead of the five rolls per team in the college version. This discrepancy in rolls is due to the fact that it is much harder to score points in the pros than it is in college football. Oddly enough, it is also harder to shut out a pro team than a college team. That will be reflected in the field goal section below. You always allow the two teams to make their rolls (3) in the quarter all at once. In short, both teams roll two dice three times for each quarter of the game. Remember, the home team goes first in the first and third quarters only!

Just like in the college game scoring occurs when the two dice hit “doubles”. That is a touchdown and it’s worth six points. For the extra point you would roll two dice also-unlike the single one dice roll in college. If the dice roll results in “snake-eyes” (a pair of ones), the extra point is missed. Remember, you get three rolls of two dice per quarter per team.

Just as in the college game field goals can be attempted whenever one roll of dice results in a total of either a ten (4 & 6) or eleven (5 & 6). At that point you roll one dice to see if the field goal is good. When you attempt a field goal in the pro game and you roll a one, two, three, or four the field goal is good. Roll a five or six and that means you missed.

This is an example of how the pro game can break down. The home team rolls the dice two times before a pair of “fives” result…Touchdown! The home team rolls one dice and it results in a four…extra point is good-seven points total. The visitor then takes two rolls before rolling an eleven, which is a field goal attempt. He then rolls a two which means that the field goal is good. The total score at the end of the first quarter is home-7, visitors-3.

Neither team scores again until the fourth quarter. The visitor goes first and rolls once before rolling a ten. He rolls a six on his field goal attempt which means that he missed. Then he rolls doubles on his third and last toss and makes a successful extra point roll. His final score in the game is 10 points. Then the home team rolls three times and scores “doubles” on his last roll. He makes the extra point and wins the game with a final score of 14 to 10.

If the score ends in a tie just alternate one roll of two dice between the two teams until someone scores. In the next article I’ll teach you about handicapping the college and pro football dice games which allows you to play entire seasons and get “real-time” results. Till then, keep on rolling.

John DeJong is the creative designer for NotMeUSA. He’s been writing humorous advertisements for over 25 years. All the funny t-shirts, fun pill bottles, and gag spray bottles were created by him. You can see all his designs by visiting

You are joking series: Stonehenge 15 one liner funny jokes competition

Stonehenge funny jokes competition is an annual event which is held every year on the first weekend in the month of March. It is a very popular event attended by people from all over the world and across all walks & spheres of life.

This year there were a record number of people in attendance: up by 30% over last year. Nearly 100,000 people travelling to Stonehenge serves as a proof in itself that the event is in big demand. People were, setting up their camps, organising their humorous stalls; selling literature on jokes, comedy, and even offering crash courses to would be comedians over the weekend.

According to 2006 program, there was one West Country Comedy school offering its services to help you realise your ambitions to become a real comedian. We took advantage of this offer and sent along James Mcdugal: our humorous/comedy correspondence. He was put through a very intensive training program for eight hours on Friday. He was given instructions on style, delivery, posture, use of body language, voice and gestures to enhance his message. He spent the following morning actually putting into practice what he had learnt the previous day in preparation for an entry into Stonehenge one liner competition held on the Saturday evening. He was scheduled to deliver his stomach crusher one liners at 9.00pm. Below is a list of James on liners. James had the audience in stitches… He generated the greatest amount of laughter because he fell flat on his fact as he walked onto the stage… He broke the ice well… after that it was piece of cake for him…

What happens when fish crosses an elephant? A swimming trunk.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the disco? Because he had no body to go with.
Why did the girl take crayons to her bed? To draw the curtains.
What did the mother phone say to the baby phone? You are too small to get engaged.
Why did the girl wear the ring on the wrong finger? To show people she was married to the wrong man.
Why did the elephant eat the candle? Because he wanted a light snack.
Have you heard the joke about butter? Don’t spread it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.
What did the ground say to the earth quake? You crack me up..
Why did the boy study in the aeroplane? Because he wanted higher education.
What is the best time to go the bed? When the bed won’t come to you.
Why did the lobster blush? Because he saw the seaweed.
Why did the toilet paper go down the hill? To get to the bottom..
Dad, son school joke…The dad said to his boy… How do you like going to school? The going bit is fine, the coming back bit is fine.. but I am not so keen on the bit in the middle.

There were 20 entrants in total and each comedian had 5 minutes to make their audience laugh. The deciding factor amongst other things was the roar of the laughter. This one factor was the clincer.. this alone determined the overall winner of the Stonehenge “Joker of the Year 2006″ … After the presentation which lasted for about an two hours.. The judges made their decision and came back to announce it at 11pm.

Jo Gormely the president of the Stonehenge “Jokers” plc said.. Ladies and gentlemen.. welcome to the Stonehenge… Here are the results of tonight’s competition in reverse order…

Third place goes to “Tim Cutler”.. from Australia. Tim was presented with a brass trophy as well as a

Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing - What is it?

If you’re like me, you spend hours surfing the internet looking for weird stuff that you’ve never seen or read about before. During my extensive research one evening, as I scoured cyberspace to find some new and unusual crap to entertain myself with, I finally found what I was looking for.

At about 2:00 A.M. on a Thursday night, I couldn’t relax, couldn’t sleep, so I traveled downstairs to the computer and went online to find some information about meditation or relaxation techniques to help me clear my head so I could fall asleep. On one of the websites I visited, there was a collection of links to various websites that teach meditation and relaxation techniques, such as yoga, Zen, and something called “open-eye meditation.” None of these things interested me, until I found a link to a website for something called “Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing.” This was intriguing, so I clicked through to the website.

At the very top of the first page was the title, “Welcome to the Remote Viewing and Remote Influencing Information Page - Your Real Life Time Machine.” I sat forward in my chair, excited as can be. “This is it,” I said to myself. “This is the kind of weird crap I’ve been looking for.”

The information contained there was fascinating. Remote viewing was allegedly developed by the CIA during the Cold War era, circa 1970, as a way to make use of our natural psychic potential to spy on the Russians without having to travel to the Soviet Union to do it. Using remote viewing, by focusing one’s mental powers on a certain point in space and time, it is possible to view what is going on anywhere at anytime; past, present, or future.

On the website, it also claimed that there were operatives who were trained in remote viewing and became so clairvoyant that they had to be locked underground in cages at different locales around the world. One was locked in a cage in Brazil, another in an intelligence base near Washington, and the third in an underground facility in Paramus, NJ. Yes, that’s right, Paramus, NJ!

After I finished reading about remote viewing, I arrived at the remote influencing part of the website, which was even more bizarre, but cool. According to the information posted there, “remote influencing allows you to create your own fate and future, attracting the people and situations you want, and not be subject anymore to or addicted to the system of group consciousness.” Apparently, remote influencing is some sort of mind control technique which enables you to create any reality you desire, alter your appearance, and change the world as you see fit; to play god, sort of speak.

The website never explained as to how one can actually learn to do this, though it did say that for $89.95 I could order their training tapes, which are backed by a 30-day money back guarantee. Right above the order form on the website was written “Order now for only $89.95, and learn how to change the world and play God - or your money back!”

I thought to myself, “For only $89.95 I get to become the Lord! What a great deal!” But, by that time it was 3 A.M., and since I was too tired to go back upstairs and get my credit card, I went back to bed. The next day, I did some further research, and I found a message board where people were discussing remote viewing and remote influencing products they had ordered online, and they revealed that what was sent to them was nothing more than some relaxation tapes narrated by a man with an eerie voice, accompanied by some ethereal background music.

So, are remote viewing and remote influencing proponents a bunch of quacks? Not necessarily. The principles they teach are probably true for the most part. They’re basically saying that we have the power within our own minds to control our destiny and to harness the power of the subconscious mind to do things that would seem supernatural to our conscious mind. Personally, I do believe in the power of the mind and that we can break free from the shackles of consciousness to achieve a higher state of mental well-being. This is one of the basic tenets of Scientology, that people have the power within themselves to do amazing things. So, despite having stumbled upon something that at first glance seemed like a scam or a bunch of empty nonsense, there was at least some wisdom imparted to me after having read through the information presented. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my remote viewing class that starts in a half hour; we’re going to use remote viewing to try to find Bin Laden.

Jim Pretin is the owner of http://www.forms4free.com, a service that helps programmers make email forms.

How I Found Out That God Bowls On Monday Evenings at 7

I grew up in a little town named Auburn in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. On Sundays we faithfully attended the Pioneer Methodist Church, directly across the street from Harry Sand’s Chapel of the Hills Funeral Home. My folks were married in that church in September of 1929, a fact which had nothing to do with the crash of the stock market the following month. Of course I couldn’t know then that my parents 50th anniversary reception would be held in that church, and five years after that, my Dad’s funeral. All the Shinn tribe had been Methodists from way back, including my grandfather in Missouri who was a circuit-riding preacher, and some great-great-great grandfather who apparently worked along side John Wesley in the English revivals of the 1700’s.

Down the street from our church was another church, which my folks referred to as a “holy roller” kind of church, with a sign outside that read:

Jesus Saves & Heals Every Evening at 7PM Except Mondays

I grew up wondering what Jesus did on Monday evenings. My Uncle Verge (who wasn’t really my uncle; we just called him that; he was a neighbor who lived across the field from us) went bowling on Monday evenings, and although a good Methodist child wouldn’t be caught dead inside a bowling alley back in those days, I sometimes visualized Jesus bowling along side of Uncle Verge, since they both apparently had Monday evenings off.

Our church was the respectable church in town during the mid-40s. It had stained-glass windows, oak pews, and a brass lamp stand with 7 candles. We sang the great old hymns of the faith out of a regular hymnbook, accompanied by a pipe organ and the violet-robed choir, and even though I had no idea what words such as “here I raise my Ebenezer,” or “rend your hearts and not your garments” meant, I figured the adults did. Later I found out that the great majority of them were as clueless as I about their meaning.

Our pipe organ was big and old, capably played by the minister’s wife, and my second favorite place in the entire church was in the pipe room, accessible only through a little door in back of the choir loft. I used to sit in the pipe room while by folks were at choir practice, imagining that I was the conductor of a massive orchestra. Later, when I was 12 or so, a devious friend showed me how to throw the organ temporarily out of pitch through a combination of tape and cotton. Our biggest project was to throw the 16-foot “D” pipe (the organ pipe that makes the low “D” sound) for the Christmas cantata in 1949. Our choir was performing the Hallelujah Chorus, and it is in the key of D, so that low D is the foundation on which the entire composition was based. Timing was critical. We had to rig things up between the organ prelude and the start of the cantata, a period we estimated as being no more than three minutes while Rev. Cheek offered the invocation and welcomed the guests. Meanwhile, we had to crawl out of the fellowship hall, slither up the stairs and behind the back row of the choir without being detected. We pulled it off like clockwork, arriving in the pipe room just in time for the invocation. Rich, my co-worker in crime, manned the tape while I handled the cotton. We had no sooner finished than we were surrounded (and deafened) by the first chord of Handel’s great Oratorio as the concert began. We apparently didn’t do something exactly right, because the pitch was not as far off as we had planned; just barely sharp, enough to annoy the trained ear, but not enough to disturb the general public too much. In retrospect, that was probably for the best, as if the pitch had been too far off, the choir director no doubt would have stopped the concert and investigated. As it was, he carried on, frowning occasionally at the organist, as if she could do anything about it. We later heard comments at the reception following such as “My, that organ is sounding old!”, and “Didn’t Mr. Dithers just work on it last summer?”, and “You know, it was good except for the bass section.”

Our exit went as smooth as our entrance, and by the time the closing prayer was over we were safely in the fellowship hall, tape and cotton disposed of. It was one of the really proud moments of my life, and I seriously thought of taking up burglary as a profession. My only regret was that I couldn’t tell anyone about my triumph without paying a price I wasn’t prepared to pay.

There were other times, many other times, when things didn’t go as smoothly. When I was six I played the part of Tiny Tim in the Christmas play in the fellowship hall, and I fell off the edge of the stage instead of saying “God bless us everyone!” Hysterical laughter is not a fitting end to Dickens Christmas Carol.

My first favorite place in the church was the bell tower, the delight of every kid, and I used to love to climb up the winding stairs and feel the texture of the rope that led to the bell. Occasionally Mr. Ornsby, our Sunday School superintendent, would let one of us kids ring the bell during the break between Sunday School and church, much to our delight. One Halloween years later, a friend (who grew up to become the Sheriff of Placer County) and I broke into the church (we didn’t think of it at the time as “breaking in”, since it was “our church” and we regularly went in and out through a back window we knew about), and rang the bell for about two minutes at midnight. Having grown up in the church and knowing every inch of the surrounding hillside was an advantage when the police came, and we were long gone and headed up Nevada Street for home by the time they got the minister (who had apparently slept through our little concert) out of bed in the parsonage next door and had him unlock the church to see who was ringing the bell.

Duane Shinn is the author of the popular free 101-week online e-mail newsletter titled “Amazing Secrets Of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions- Intelligent Piano Lessons For Adults Only! “ with over 84,400 current subscribers.

How To Impress Girls - Or Maybe Not

Somewhere around the summer between my 5th and 6ths grade years at EV Cain Elementary School a girl named Rhonda moved from Grass Valley to Auburn, and there was something about her that fascinated me. I saw her sometimes during the summer, going to the show with other girls, or shopping downtown with her Mother. She was intriguing to me for some reason. I can’t think of that reason now, but I wanted to meet her, or to do something, anything, so she would notice me. Once I saw her at the town park up by the Recreation Field, and since I was a fast runner in those days, I thought I might show her how swift I was, and thereby impress her with my speed. I had just seen a Superman movie, and was impressed with the whole idea of speed, and thought she might be too. She was sitting on the lawn with a couple other girls I knew, and I wished that they would go away so I could impress her without them saying something like “that’s only Duane,” or some other dumb thing girls said back in those days.

I waited for probably a half-hour or more for my opportunity. Her friends didn’t budge. But I spotted a beagle running lickity-split in her general direction, and I thought, “if she sees me running faster than that dog, she’ll really be impressed with me!” So I took out at an angle, until I was about parallel with the dog, and we zoomed side by side within a few feet of the girls and on to wherever the dog was headed. Before I got out of earshot I heard her ask “who is the dumb kid with the cute dog?” My heart sank, but my feet ran on. The dog seemed to know where he was going, but I didn’t and within seconds I found myself sliding on my back across a freshly watered section of lawn. As I slid to a stop, the dog turned back, gave me a curious look, and licked my face as if to say, “Are you OK?” I couldn’t bear looking back to see if Rhonda was watching, but I heard the girls giggling, so I was sure she saw the entire show.

Later that same summer I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the Auburn Post Office where my Dad worked, when I spotted her coming out of the Post Office lobby. She looked so pretty in her curly, bouncy hair, pink blouse and pedal pushers, that again I felt the surge of desire coming over me to impress her. I spotted a magnificent Schwinn bicycle parked by the curb; a bike far more expensive than I could ever hope to own, and since I was just a few feet from it at the time, I kind of casually stepped over to it and put one hand on the handle bars, like I was just resting after a long ride through the foothills of the Sierras. To my great surprise, she DID notice me, and in fact walked directly toward me. When she was no more than a foot away from me she asked, “OK, what are you doing with my bike?”

I mumbled something about being sorry I had mistaken her bike for mine, and she mumbled something with the word “stupid” in it, and that was the end of that. She never did notice me after that, and I guess it’s just as well. I understand she went on to become a very successful waitress in old town Auburn.

Now that I’ve been married for more years than I care to mention, I’ve given up the idea of trying to impress her. Oh, when I’m back in town and drive by the Cozy Spot Cafe where she works, I’m always tempted to go in and somehow let her know that the boy she scorned grew up to be a writer. But about the time I start to pull in, my mind goes back to my first two attempts at impressing her, and I visualize myself telling her about all the books I have written, and in my mind, she responds by sarcastically asking if I write about dogs and stolen bikes, and so I change my mind, and drive on.

Of course, I knew lots of other girls as I was growing up, and I suppose I had a normal amount of curiosity about them that any young guy had. Roy Poindexter, a 5th grader, told a bunch of us 4th grade boys that the way to tell the difference between boys and girls was to tape a small mirror to the toe of one shoe, then walk casually up to a girl and engage her in conversation, and simply place the foot with the mirror on it between the girl’s feet. Then while she was talking, we would simply glance down and get a glimpse of whatever was hiding under her skirt.

Roy spoke with the suave confidence of one who had done it many times. In retrospect, I remember his Mom was a manager of women’s undergarments at J.C. Penny’s, so he probably honed his craft by practicing on the mannequins after hours. Despite his bragging, I have serious reservations as to whether he ever tried it on a real, live girl, who would have to be both blind and stupid to stand still for such an obvious ploy.

But Billy Roberts believed him, and announced that he was going to try it the next day at school. Instead of the scenario turning out the way Roy predicted, the moment Billy walked on the playground Wanda Johannson spotted the mirror, and yelled at him across the basketball court “Hey Billy! What’s that on your shoe?”

So that was the end of that experiment.

And with a few notable exceptions, up until about the 7th grade girls were those “other things” that we boys had no interest in and no use for, unless it was to check the spelling of some word or to double check on our homework assignment. We knew girls were different, but we didn’t give much thought to how they differed, except that they threw a baseball funny and used two hands to shoot a basketball (even a lay up!), and they ran “like girls”.

Except Linda Polameri.

She threw a ball the right way, ran like a boy, and nobody would have bet against her in a fair fight. The reason I know that is because she once got very angry with me in class after I beat her in a class election, and challenged me to a fight afterward. (Election of class officers was held twice a year, as I recall, and students pretty much voted by sex; the girls voted for whatever girl was running, and the boys voted for whatever boy was running. The only reason I ran was because no other boy wanted to run.) By last period, the entire class had heard about the fight, taken sides, and some were even making bets. I guess what bothered me the most was that even the boys who were rooting for me in the fight were betting against me. Even my best friend, Jack Stephens, who was as small as I was, only plumper, had bet his entire Friday’s lunch money against me.

Fortunately for me, Mr. Ryan got wind of the fight, too, and appeared after school behind the Quonset hut; the very spot previously appointed for the fight. When the other kids saw him, they retreated awkwardly, and made their way toward the playground and on home. Linda seemed disappointed that the scheduled fight had been cancelled, but left with the others, not wanting to get in trouble with Mr. Ryan, a fair but tough teacher who had been a career officer in the Marines before he became a teacher. When everyone was gone, I crawled out from under the Quonset hut where I had been hiding, and skipped home, celebrating my reprieve.

Luckily, Linda didn’t hold a grudge, and the next day at school she asked me if I wanted to shake and make up.

I did.

So we did.

And that was the inauspicious start of my first romance. Any girl who would shake and make up, to say nothing of running and throwing right, was worth my attention. It started out slowly, by a quick meeting of our eyes during history class, then sending notes back and forth during social studies, and climaxing in my request to change seats with John Towers so I could sit next to her. That was fine with John, who was tired of passing our notes back and forth by now. That was the first time in my entire life that I had ever knowingly and willingly taken a seat next to a girl, and surprisingly, it felt kind of good, in an embarrassing sort of way.

She liked me for approximately the same reasons, I suspect. I ran fast, threw a baseball like I knew what I was doing, and was pretty fair at the one-handed set shot. Then too, I was a boy, and it was a novelty for a boy to pay that much attention to a girl at 11 years of age.

That spring was wonderful. Seeing Linda every day at school; overhearing other girls whisper about us “going together” in the cloakroom; and seeing a newfound admiration in the eyes of some of my male friends. I used to lie awake at night and dream of Linda and I both making the Yankees; she at shortstop and me in centerfield, winking at each other between plays. I always out hit her in my daydreams, probably to make up for the fact that she always out hit me in real 7th grade baseball games. It just didn’t seem right for her to be THAT good. And we were tied for stolen bases, too, in my daydreams, right up to the last game of the season, when I stole 5 bases in one inning, breaking Ty Cobb’s record (of course that was long before Maury Wills, Ricky Henderson, etc.) and putting me 1 ahead of Linda, who only stole 4 bases that same inning.

Our 7th grade formal dance was in late May, and Linda looked forward to it excitedly, talking a great deal about it, and hinting that she would dance only with me. I was greatly flattered on the one hand, and worried on the other since I didn’t know how to dance.

I needn’t have worried, however.

A kid named Chip Bonanno from New Jersey moved to Auburn three days before the dance. He was handsome, looked much older than the rest of us boys, had big biceps which he showed off in cut-off T-shirts, and spoke with not only a voice which had already changed to bass, but also with the smooth sophistication of a city boy who knew all about cars, girls, and the ways of the world. Linda and every other girl in the 7th grade fell in love with him instantly, and since Linda was the only girl in the 7th grade with a boyfriend, she was the one he chose.

She danced every dance with Chip at the formal, and as far as I knew, did not distinguish me from the furniture. I was crushed, of course, and spent most of my time looking as sad as possible, in hopes that she would notice me and feel sorry for me and leave Chip and come back to me.

It didn’t work. She never looked.

Duane Shinn is the author of the popular free 101-week online e-mail newsletter titled “Amazing Secrets Of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions - Intelligent Piano Lessons For Adults Only!” with over 84,400 current subscribers.

Never Open An Outhouse Door Without Knocking

I suppose that every hometown of every child holds certain favorite hiding places, or short cuts, or little-known doors or cubbyholes or secret passageways or whatever, and Auburn was no exception.

One of my favorite such places was the train tunnel that ran under Palm Avenue and the Auburn reservoir, and came out just this side of Gasoline Alley, a wide spot on Highway 49 about a mile north of where I lived. Tales of being caught in the tunnel when the train came were standard Auburn lore; one of my older cousins’ cousin swore that he got caught one day with the train coming, and had to lie flat on his stomach between the tracks while the train passed over him. I believed him until I was about ten or so, when I started to notice that each time he told the story some of the details were different, such as whether it was night or day, with friends or alone; that sort of thing.

Being somewhat timid by nature, I never would have taken the dare to run through the tunnel if I was alone, but crowd psychology is different than individual psychology, and the herd instinct won out. It was a winter day after school, and several of us 8th graders were out of basketball practice because of teacher conferences. Since we didn’t have to practice, we naturally looked around for something else to do, and Ken, our point guard, made the dumbest suggestion of all: “Let’s run out to Gasoline Alley & back through the train tunnel.”

So off we went, licketty-split down Palm Avenue, past my house, past the yellow bus shed where bus #9 picked us all up every school morning, and up the hill across from Dr. Dunevitz’ house, where we dropped down to the tracks and began our run through the train tunnel. The train came twice a day, once early morning and once about 10 PM. It was only about 4 PM then, so we knew there was no danger of a train coming.

What we didn’t know was that a group of transients, guys who road the rails from one town to another; we called them “hobos”; had taken residence in the tunnel. They apparently were sitting or lying against one wall of the tunnel, perhaps 50 feet or so from the end of the tunnel we were entering, so they had enough light to function and yet no one looking into the dark tunnel from the bright daylight outside could see them.

We entered the tunnel on the run, making jokes about outrunning the train, and what would happen if the train schedule changed. As we ran past the hobos in the darkness, our eyes fixed upon the small dot of light at the other end of the tunnel, one of the men shouted something that sounded like “Run to hell, boys!” None of us ever knew exactly what he said, but the shock of that shout and the ensuing laughter coming from the darkness was enough to send us into overdrive. We looked back to see the outline of a man in the end of the tunnel where we had entered seconds before. We screamed in unison and absolutely sprinted to the other end of the tunnel some quarter of a mile away. If we had been clocked, I’m sure some of us would have set a new world record. Needless to say, we did not return the way we came, nor did we ever enter that tunnel again.

Another shortcut my cousin Harvey & I used to take was through the wild blackberry vines across Nevada Street from my Uncle’s nursery, Eisley’s Nursery, on the corner of Nevada Street and Palm Avenue. Well, it wasn’t really a short cut; it was more like a long cut. But we liked to take it anyway, and imagined ourselves to be Tarzan finding hidden trails through the jungle of tangled vines and swamp-like foliage. Somewhere, in the acre or so of blackberries, was a small little home housing a Japanese family. We didn’t know them, and in 1944 or so, we weren’t even sure we wanted to know them. Maybe they were still the enemy. Maybe they would capture us and hold us as prisoners of war. Maybe they even had weapons over there in their little reddish-colored house. Maybe they were Kamikazes! Wouldn’t that be exciting? Our excitement grew as we wove our way through the vines, making up stories of how Tarzan defeated the entire Japanese army by swinging through the trees and ambushing them from the hollow of a blackberry bush.

Just then we crawled out of a bog of pussy willows and into a very small clearing with a tiny little house in it, hardly big enough to house a single person, let alone an entire family. Could it be a munitions depot? A secret storage area? Would the US army want to know about it? Could it be connected with spies? Overcome with curiosity, fantasy, and patriotism, it was our duty, Harvey and I, to investigate it. Stealthily we snuck around it, signaling each other to be quiet, until we locate a door. Harvey gingerly opened it, as his wide-eyed little cousin peered in.

Just as my eyes focused on the Japanese woman seated in the outhouse, her shriek of terror told us we had made a terrible mistake. We hastily retreated in great fear and consternation, fearing both reprisal and political consequences.

None ever came, thank goodness. But unlike General MacArthur, we did not return.

Note: As we grew older, we realized that they were not only NOT the enemy, but they were loyal Americans who later became good friends.

Duane Shinn is the author of the popular free 101-week online e-mail newsletter titled “Amazing Secrets Of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions- Intelligent Piano Lessons For Adults Only! “ with over 84,400 current subscribers.

How Grandma’s Lap Robe Saved My Legs

We lived almost exactly one mile from the heart of Auburn California on Palm Avenue between the old Highway 49 and the new, broader Highway 49; the highway that connects Auburn with Grass Valley, both towns formed during the Gold Rush of 1849. The city limit line ran right down the center of Palm Avenue, so we lived just a few feet inside the “city”; really a town of about 3000. Palm tress, unusual in Auburn, used to line our road, but through the years some fell, some were cut down by progress, and now they were scattered; one here, then a quarter mile, then a cluster of a half-dozen, then more for a space. As a small child I used to imagine that Palm trees were giant one-legged ostriches, now petrified, like ancient prehistoric birds.

The house I grew up in was built the year before I was born for thirty five hundred dollars. It sat on the northeast corner of my Grandfather Eisleys’ property, a ten acre segment now occupied mostly by my Uncle Henry’s nursery, aptly named Eisleys’ Nursery, but also containing our one acre strip and the original Eisley ranch home where my Mom and Uncle Henry and three other aunts and uncles grew up.

My Grandma Eisley lived in a newer house, now that Grandpa was gone, which was situated just 50 feet from our house. Which meant that anytime we went anywhere, or did anything, Grandma knew about it.

We drove to town a couple times a week to go shopping for groceries or clothes, and to pay bills at PG&E, the telephone company, and so forth. My folks paid for everything in cash; no paper or plastic substitutes; and in person. Which was kind of nice, because that way we made the rounds and got well acquainted with bank clerks, secretaries, and various and sundry other locals.

I don’t believe that the trip to town; that entire mile in and mile back; was ever made without Grandma. She always wanted to go, and Mom was always afraid of hurting her feelings if we didn’t ask her, so we always asked her, and it always took three times as long as it would have taken had we not asked her.

It was kind of a ritual. Each participant in the ritual said the same thing every time, and this went on for the better part of 20 years.

“We need to go to town,” Mom would say. “I need to get some Nucoa, and Garland needs some new cords, and I’d sure like to get that PG&E bill paid we got today in the mail.”

“Let’s go!” my big brother Garland and I would respond in unison.

“I’ll start the car” was Daddy’s line.

“Do you suppose we ought to ask Mother?” Mom would always ask, as though it were an open question.

“But it takes sooooo long that way,” Garland or I would groan.

“But if she knows we’ve gone without her, she’ll be hurt,” Mom would predictably counter.

Daddy was always gone by then, bringing the car from the basement-garage below around front.

“Alright,” Garland would say in a pained voice. “I’ll go ask her.” Garland was always nicer than me.

And the answer was always the same.

“Sure. I’ll go. Will I need my galoshes?”

“No, Grandma, it’s July!”

“Well bring my lap blanket just in case there’s a draft.”

“Yes, Grandma.”

Once in the car, another ritual began.

“Whew, it’s sure hot in here!” Garland or Daddy or I would say.

“But we can’t have a draft on Mother,” Mom would reply.

“Don’t you want this lap robe over your knees, boys?” asked Grandma, as she spread it over our knees and tried to tuck it in around our waist.

“No, Grandma, it’s July!”

“Well July or not, you have to watch out for a draft, you know. There’s pneumonia going around these days, boys.”

Groans.

Quiet resignation.

Hot legs.

In retrospect, I guess Grandma was right. I’m over half a century now, and I’ve never had any problem with the parts of my body covered by that lap robe, and I don’t believe Garland has either. Maybe I should have covered my head with it. Maybe I wouldn’t be bald today.

Didn’t seem to do as much good for her, however. Old age seemed to take its natural course, and the lap robe didn’t seem to run much interference for it.

Duane Shinn is the author of the popular free 101-week online e-mail newsletter titled “Amazing Secrets Of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions- Intelligent Piano Lessons For Adults Only! “ with over 84,400 current subscribers.